Occasionally people write lists of things, this is one of those occasions, and this is one of those lists. At ChessClubParty.org, we don’t just condone this kind of lazy, half assed faux-journalism, we actively promote it. So here it goes, the A-Z of summer, like, totally!
A is for Awesome
Totally!
Ok, let’s not beat around the bush here, summer is freaking great. Assuming you don’t have a career or any real responsibilities, and really, why the hell would you do that to yourself? It’s simply the time of year that out-awesomes all others. And if you can get away with not working for the whole thing and still enjoy everything else on this list, well then, you pretty much win at summer.
B is for Barbecues
We are all going to die
Something about an increase in temperature and a little sunshine makes normally well-adjusted people want to give their friends food poisoning. We’re not really sure what causes this phenomenon, but pre-hospital visit at least, barbecues are pretty sweet. It basically comes down to trying to burn the food just enough to stave off salmonella, eating about 10% of the food you cook, then getting hammered. Come to think of it, maybe the food has nothing to do with people getting sick after barbecues, but rather the whole “Well, I’m going to be there all day, and all night, so, better get two crates for myself. And a naggin, yeah…” thing. But what do I know, I’m not a doctor.
C is for Cider
hmmmm, I guess it is time to cool down...
Say what you will about it, but the people at Bulmers have somehow managed to brand themselves as the summer drink. There’s something about a sunny beer garden that makes even non-cider drinkers like myself think “You know what, a pint bottle would be really nice right now”. It has to come down to those ads, they just make Bulmers seem much, much cooler than it really is, bottom line is I think we can all just thank our lucky stars that the marketing department at Beamish isn’t as good as theirs.
D is for Daytime T.V.
"I keep tellin' these guys I'm not a real doctor, but they still keep payin' me"
Sometimes it’s easy to fall into a weird pattern during summer, sleeping most of the day, then waking up in time for whatever shenanigans are afoot that evening. To fall into this trap is a mistake, I mean, there’s a double bill of bewitched on, and I’m gonna miss out on it? Not a chance, my friend. I can understand why someone would want to skip the whole daytime schedule, I mean, nobody, man, woman or child should ever put themselves in a position where they might be exposed to an episode of “Loose Women”.
E is for Exams
There are worse things than failing an exam, y'know
Some of us are doing them, some of us are still trying to put those harrowing weeks behind us. Either way they’re best forgotten about until the results come up, and even then, best forgotten about until it’s time for repeats, I mean, we’ve got important stuff to do here.
F is for Free house season
Careful now...
The great thing about not going on family holidays, aside from the inevitable arguments and the seemingly endless stream of monotonous games of pool in the hotel lobby, is that most wonderful gift, the free house. Depending on how socially adept you are, a person could conceivably go an entire summer without sleeping in their own bed, or as is usually the case, any bed at all. There’s more than a little skill involved in successfully negotiating free house season, usual concerns are making sure you get somewhere good to sleep, and making it to the offy before ten every day. In fairness though, if that’s all you’ve got to worry about on any given day, you’re doing alright.
G is for Girls
Pictured above: Girls
without trying to sound misogynistic, there is something about summer that causes the female population to increase, in a good way. As soon as June hits, as if by magic, the streets, beaches, pubs and clubs are suddenly packed with women never seen before, which, I think we can all agree, is an improvement. This place has been a total wiener fest for the past nine months, and whatever your preference may be, it is a scientific fact that girls are better looking than guys, trust me, I do science all the time.
H is for Heat wave
Where's Wally
Ok, to be fair, this is unlikely, I mean, the last time Ireland had a proper heat wave was fifteen years ago. Given this information, a pessimist would say we’re never going to see another one, while an optimist would say we’re totally due. I’m an optimist, and looking at the kind of thing we’re getting lately, dare I say we’re looking at a proper, sunny, hot summer? Yeah, sure, why not.
I is for Ice-cream
"Em, I believe I asked for a flake too?"
Everyone’s got a favourite ice-cream. Even those of us who haven’t exactly got a sweet tooth know what we’re going for when we get to the freezer. Thinking about it now reminds me what a shame it was that they ruined Loop the Loops, I mean, what is that yellow bit all about now? Is this dust? Am I eating dust? What flavour is this? Is this a flavour? Whatever dude, at least the brunches are still cool. And yeah, I know, fucking brunches.
J is for J-1
America has a street called Telegraph Avenue, so there
If you’re on home soil as you read this, try to push the thought of that guy from college who left on the J-1 a few weeks back out of your mind. Don’t be jealous, I mean, do you have any idea of the gun crime statistics in the U.S? He’s probably in hospital right now. Well, probably not. It’s far more likely that he’s drinking a 40 at some frat party having just returned from some exciting activity or other, having the time of his life. I’ll wait here while you go look up flights for next summer, go on, it’s fine…
K is for Karaoke
Seriously, I could've sworn you really were Beoncé just there
This one is intrinsically linked to free house season, where an extended period of in-house fun inevitably leads to some pretty serious singstar action. As a general rule it is the person that says there was “no fucking way” they’ll sing a song who ends up hogging the mic, lost in some hazy memory of a dream to share their unique voice with the world. Sadly, much like hypodermic needles, some things should not be shared with anyone.
L is for Loooong days
Risky business
Besides the fact that the exact same thing happens every year, it’s always a pleasant surprise to realise you’re outside at 10:30pm and it’s still bright outside. And when it does get dark the sun is right back up there at 5 in the morning, nature sure is amazing, aint it? The only downside to this is it makes the milk-run all but impossible, and let’s face it, in the middle of free house season, that’s milk you need to steal.
M is for Music Festivals
Best weekend EVER.
Electric Picnic or Oxegen? That seems to be the big question. Unless you’re thinking of going to castlepalooza, meaning you’re a huge Mercury Rev fan, in which case I have nothing to say to you. I don’t even know what a Mercury Rev is, sounds like a budget Korean hatchback. Either way, the fact is whichever event you choose, if you’re not camping, it doesn’t count.
N is for New Stuff
Change the record
You’ve spent the last few months telling stories about all that stuff that happened last summer, and frankly, everyone’s tired of hearing about how you were totally going to chat up those two Swedish girls, but didn’t because they probably didn’t speak english. Do some new stuff, because honestly, you’re kind of on thin ice around here, and we’re all a little tired of your attitude, mate.
O is for Overdoing it
Good night lad?
You may have noticed something of a party theme to this list, given that it’s highly likely that a summer along these lines will lead to one, or possibly many mornings where you’ll crawl out of bed, vowing never again to do any of the stuff you did the night before, I mean, honestly, where did that goose come from? Why was it wearing my pants? Anyway, these feelings are natural, and they’ll pass in around 24 hours, nothing to worry about.
P is for Procrastinating
Study? But, I've just bought this neat hammock...
Remember before summer started you had some great plan for what you’d do with your summer? Get the jump on next semester, get healthy, basically sort your life out? Yeah, well, forget about it. Basically you’re going to wake up at the beginning of September with a hangover and no idea how three months went by that quickly. Also, you might have shaved a few years off your life expectancy, depending on how much fun you had. But come on, that’s what summer is all about, bro. Is it cool if I call you bro?
Q is for Quality time
I hate you all so much it gives me energy
One of the annoying side-effects of having a life is that lots of other people have them too, which means most of the people you most want to hang out with have been taking care of business for the past 9 months, so finally getting to relax with a full crew is a welcome return to awesomeness. Obviously it’ll take about a week to remember why you were happy to see those people leave in the first place, but damn, before the honeymoon ends, it’s pretty nice.
R is for Road Trips
Wood panel station wagon: preferable, but not essential
There is going to be a stage when going to the same places every day to do the same stuff gets a little stale, that’s why god invented criminally lax driving tests, allowing even the most unfit young person to bring death and destruction to every corner of the country. There might be nothing better than loading up three carloads of people with no intention of getting a greater insight into Irish culture, or even learning the names of anywhere they decide to stop the fun-bus. The strength of road trips lies in the fact that they’re ridiculously cheap, a night in a decent hostel costs little more than a double vodka & Red Bull, leaving more money for, well, double vodkas & Red Bull.
S is for Scoring
Nurses: Cert for the shift
Hmmm, for some reason I typed scoring instead of shifting, maybe shifting is a little too colloquial. Anyway, if you’re single, summer is ideal, I mean, from a guys point of view, considering the influx of members of the opposite sex, as I mentioned earlier, chances are even you could find someone to look past your many, many personal flaws, and y’know, lash out the shift. Also there’s the fact that “It’s the summer” is a completely acceptable reason for almost anything, feel free to use that, ladies & gents. Dancefloor score still doesn’t count though, in case you were wondering.
T is for Tequila
I have
Remember those dark, damp days when you met friends for a few pints? Those days are over. A few pints may still be what you call it, but when you’re chasing each one with a shot of your choice, things usually go on a little longer, and looking your friends in the eye the next day might get a little harder, but come on, why not? No salt for me though, that’s just rough, dude.
U is for Using any excuse to get out of work
These people are NOT having fun
If you’re fortunate enough, or unfortunate enough to have a job this summer, chances are it’s not exactly a barrel of laughs. Invariably the barrel of laughs is elsewhere, and usually clashes directly with that job of yours. The trick is to swap & give away just enough shifts to keep that bank balance looking relatively healthy, while spending as little time as possible actually doing anything other than having a good time.
V is for Vacations
Pretty wild, right?
Even in these tough times, any shmuck with a part-time job can manage a week somewhere east of Berlin, or south of Cannes, and it’s usually totally worth it. Just as long as you don’t mind socializing exclusively with English people for the duration, also the fact that alcohol is cheaper than milk in these places may lead to some complications, the word “hemorrhage” springs to mind…
W is for Wimbledon
Come on Andy (Roddick)!
I am aware that quite a few people dislike tennis, but Wimbledon is different. If nothing else it’s basically as watchable as tennis ever gets. Last years competition was incredible, the only thing missing was an A-Rod win in the final. The great thing about it is enjoying the English press pin the hope of a nation on people like Andy Murray, only to see him fail time and time again. That might sound like sour grapes, and maybe it is, god, Andy Murray, what a dick.
X is for X-cuse me, but almost nothing begins with X
Hold on, I've got it!
I would say that X-boxes everywhere will be gathering dust this summer, but I know people who play video games, and that simply is not the case.
Y is for Yaya Toure
Birds, Bulmers and Barbecues, Yaya loves all of it
As suggested by the honourable Mr. Finn, Yaya Toure is a 27 year ould Ivorian footballer, who by all accounts seems to enjoy all things summery, good for you, Yaya.
Z is for Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Total cop-out? Me? Hardly...
I did 25 letters without mentioning the world cup, gotta love that vuvuzela though…
